How can I lovingly engage in new relations?

In TAP, we have held several discussions on the subject of new relations in the context of going back to school/uni/work. Here are some of our thoughts💚:

How to express love to the people we don’t know yet?

• Prioritize who seems to need or benefit from conversation the most (e.g. someone who may seem lonely or excluded)

• Balance talking and listening

• Find an environment where they can feel welcome and you can make a genuine connection

• Target the follow-up: give a phone number or email address, find another occasion to meet-up, etc.

How to start an interaction?

• Assess the situation and use contextual cues, such as asking what book someone is reading, where they found their T-shirt, or what they think about the event taking place.

• Find something you have in common to connect with them and use it as a conversation starter or to crack a joke.

• Build on previous interactions, e.g. ask how someone's weekend was, what they've been up to.

• Break the ice sooner rather than later.

• Don’t rush to ask their name, it will be easier to remember after some conversation.

  
  

How to maintain a conversation?

• Use the joystick analogy: left/right is changing the topic, up/down is zooming in/out in terms of focus/abstraction, for example commenting on the general weather or humidity, asking if they like Star Wars or mentioning popular cultural references. Experiment with left/right and up/down until you find what they are most receptive to.

• Adapt to the other person's way of interacting and match their tone (especially important if someone is talking about something serious or difficult).

How to help people struggling with loneliness?

• Make sure you remain welcoming and caring over time. People are often welcoming when someone first arrives, but the attention can fade over time.

• Try to make your friend group more welcoming: ask your friends if you can invite the person, or organize something with the person and one or two other friends.

How to build more meaningful bonds?

• If you are struggling to remember to reach out, make sure you reply to messages with lots of enthusiasm and/or commitment.

• You can open up, share and be vulnerable to help the conversation move beyond superficial issues.

• Ask how the other person is doing in a non-typical way, e.g. ask how someone's last weekend went, how someone has been feeling this week, etc. (rather than just "How are you?"), but don't press if the other person is uncomfortable sharing.

• Find more opportunities to meet: work sessions, walks, meals, seeing several people at the same time (especially if you do not have time to meet individually), etc.